Packing for a trip is hard. Packing for a Tipple Tour? That’s Olympic-level chaos. Fear not, as I, Matt Ellis, your Chief Sip Officer, have mastered the ancient art of packing three shirts, two pairs of socks and enough booze to keep a small village hydrated for a week. Efficiency? Questionable. Priorities? Perfect.

These are my highly scientific travel hacks, tested on planes, trains, buses and at least one regrettable donkey ride. Are they practical? Sometimes. Are they legal? Usually. Strap in, sippers—travel’s about to get tipsy. 

1. Pack Like a Pro

Always wrap your wine bottles in socks. That way, if they break, at least your laundry will smell fancy.

2. Backup Plan = Backpack Can

Forget water bottles—sneak a couple of tinnies in there. Hydration is hydration.

3. Carry-On Strategy

Airlines won’t let you bring full bottles through security…but miniatures? Entire cocktail bar in your carry-on, baby.

4. Hotel Ice Buckets

They’re not for ice. They’re emergency sangria pitchers.

5. Never Trust Duty Free

That giant litre of gin looks like a bargain until you remember you have to carry it through three airports. Lift responsibly.

6. Wine as Currency

Lost your bus ticket? Flash a bottle of red. Works 10% of the time, 100% of the time.

7. Hangover Hack

Always pack a sachet of electrolytes. Or as I call it: adult Capri-Sun.

8. Language Barrier Trick

When in doubt, learn how to say “cheers” in the local language. It’s basically Google Translate for friendship.

9. The Flask of Many Disguises

Hide it in a hollowed-out book, a sunscreen bottle or your deep, deep sense of denial.

10. Matt’s Golden Rule

Always pack less clothes and more wine. Clothes wrinkle, wine doesn’t.