The Grapest Hits of Moldova
Cabernet, Confessions and Chaos
But what Moldova does have - in barrels and old bathtubs in villagers’ garages — is wine. Glorious, golden, ruby-red rivers of wine. And guiding unsuspecting visitors into this fermented wonderland is none other than Tipple Tours, Moldova’s premier service for anyone who hears ‘responsible drinking’ and thinks, ‘That’s as real as a unicorn on a unicycle.'
Step One: Accept That Moldova Loves Wine More Than You Love Oxygen
“Does this grape juice taste better fermented?”
- “Can we build a cellar the size of Belgium to store it all?”
- “How do we politely tell our neighbours we don’t drink vodka, thanks?”
Today, Moldova is home to the largest underground wine cellar on Earth:Mileștii Mici, which has over 200 kilometres of tunnels stuffed with wine bottles. Your Tipple Tours guide may casually mention that the Guinness World Records people had to invent new categories just to keep up with Moldovan cellars.
And yes, you get to drink inside them. You also get lost inside them which is fine, as one of Tipple Tours’ mottos is: “If you can’t find the exit, there’s always more wine.” The cellars are so big they have actualstreet names and traffic lightsunderground. Imagine Paris, but instead of baguettes and existential dread, every street corner has a vintage Cabernet Sauvignon.
Step Two: Embrace the Tipple Tours Philosophy
- Learning by drinking. You don’t “study” Moldovan wine; you let it wash over you until you’re fluent.
- Cultural immersion. One minute you’re sipping Chardonnay in a 15th-century monastery; the next, you’re helping a farmer’s auntie tread grapes in her backyard vat while she tells you her son-in-law is useless.
- Balance. For every five glasses of wine, Tipple Tours makes sure you also get bread, cheese and a folk dance lesson you didn’t ask for.
It’s like a wine TED Talk — if TED stood forTotally Enjoyable Drinking. But there’s also a deeper philosophy:wine is identity here.For Moldovans, a bottle isn’t just fermented grape juice. It’s history, hospitality and sometimes a replacement currency when you don’t have small change.
Step Three: Expect Shenanigans
10:00 AM — Visit medieval fortress
What actually happens: fortress guard insists you drink his cousin’s homemade cognac before entering.
12:30 PM — Wine tasting at family-run vineyard
What actually happens: the family insists you stay for lunch, then another round, then a wedding rehearsal. Suddenly you’re dancing with strangers in a barn.
3:00 PM — Scenic walk in the countryside
What actually happens: scenic walk interrupted by a babushka who waves you down and demands you taste her wine. It may come out of a recycled Fanta bottle but, wow, it’s delicious.
7:00 PM — Relax at hotel
What actually happens: hotel owner drags you into his cellar “just to see,” which turns into a 14-bottle blind tasting.
Tipple Tours thrives in this chaos. Your guide’s job is basically 50% keeping you upright, 30% making sure you don’t wander off into a sunflower field and 20% politely declining six offers of homemade spirits before lunch.
Step Four: The Stages of a Tipple Tourist
Every guest on a Tipple Tour goes through the samefive stages of Moldova Wine Enlightenment:
- Skeptical: “How good can Moldovan wine really be? I’ve never even seen it in my local supermarket.”
- Intrigued: “Okay, that Fetească Neagră is actually amazing. And cheap. Suspiciously cheap.”
- Converted: “Why does no one know about this? Moldova is the Beyoncé of Wines and the world is asleep!”
- Tipsy Philosopher: “Wine…is not drink. Wine…is life. Moldova…is universe.”
- Souvenir Hoarder: You buy so many bottles at the airport duty-free that your suitcase squeaks when it rolls.
Step Five: Revel in the Quirks
- Underground cycling tours. Because nothing says “safety first” like tipsy pedalling through 80 kilometres of damp tunnels.
- Giant wine bottles on roundabouts. Forget traffic lights. Moldova guides you by Cabernet.
- Folk musicians who never stop. At some point during dinner, an accordion player will appear out of nowhere and refuse to leave until you’ve clapped your hands raw.
- Winemakers who look like retired philosophers.Bearded men in flat caps who stare at the horizon before solemnly declaring, ‘This vintage…is like life itself. Bold, unpredictable and, erm, best enjoyed with cheese.’”
Step Six: Realize You’re in on the Secret
Extended Traveller Archetypes: Which One Are You?
Tipple Tours guests usually fall into one of these categories:
- The Enthusiast: Wears a wine t-shirt. Carries tasting notebook. Pretends to spit into the bucket at first but abandons that quickly.
- The Oblivious Friend: Only came because someone else booked the trip. Shocked to discover Moldova is not, in fact, a city in Russia.
- The Instagrammer: Spends 45 minutes trying to balance a glass of rosé against a rustic wooden fence for the perfect shot. Drinks warm wine afterwards.
- The Historian: Knows obscure facts about Soviet collectivized vineyards. Occasionally cornered by guides who fact-check them with alarming precision.
- The Lightweight: Asleep in the minibus by 2 p.m. but somehow rallies for dinner toasts.
- The Daredevil: Will drink anything poured into any container. Once mistook a jar of pickle brine for white wine and didn’t notice.
- Karen from Texas: “I thought Moldova was a type of cheese. Turns out it’s a country. With more wine than I thought existed on Earth. 10/10 would get lost in a cellar again.”
- James from London: “I went on a Tipple Tour as a bachelor party. We never made it to the club. The vineyard became the club. There are photos. I don’t want to talk about it. What happens in Moldova, stays in Moldova.”
- Lena from Berlin: “The babushka wine nearly destroyed me. But I emerged stronger. A phoenix, reborn. Powered by grapes.”
- Matt (Tipple Tours guide): “Our guests always say they’ll drink ‘just a little.’ They never drink just a little.”
- Uncle Vasile (local winemaker): “Tourists arrive pale and tired. They leave glowing and singing. Sometimes with my chickens. Please return my chickens.”
Step Seven: Book the Damn Tour
Because life is short. Wine is eternal. And Tipple Tours is waiting.
So, bottoms up. Or as they say in Moldova:Noroc!